you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
