VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
