she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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