My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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