i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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