1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
they call him Oral-B. enough said
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
