Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
