Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We just shotgunned beers for America
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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