God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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