btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
