i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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