You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
