3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
