I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
