In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
