I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
