I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
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I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
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I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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