It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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