Im at strip club and am horny
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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