it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
