Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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