also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
