i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
