Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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