tell your sister to shave her snatch
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
