where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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