Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
