Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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