I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
