im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
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