Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
