I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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