I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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