You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
