totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Randomize
