VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
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I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
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Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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