woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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