i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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