u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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