i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
