And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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