You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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