and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
