seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We're too hungover to prance.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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