I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
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She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
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I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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