nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
