Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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