Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
