yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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