its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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