false alarm. still invincible.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
