I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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