So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
