Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
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well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
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I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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