Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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